Received an email from a woman who is single and has been searching for a guy for a long time. She has a full-time job, good friends and a good life. That does not change the fact that she is looking for someone for marriage. She is in her early 40s. She also wants to have kids. She is a happy person. But when she tells people she wants to get married, they start saying so many annoying things.
The first question is ‘But why do you even want to get married!’
I can relate perfectly. How many of you are single? When you tell people, you want to “un” single, do they judge you? It is not like you are saying that you are desperate or unhappy or incomplete. You just wish you had someone. Many people who say these things are actually married themselves.
Here is a short list of some of the things people say to single people who are looking. Feel free to add to the comments.
- No one can complete you!
- When did I say I was incomplete?
- Be in love with yourself first!
- Main meri favourite hoon….?
- You will find him once you stop looking!
- Does he know I am looking for him, and therefore hiding? Shh…he might hear us and hide back!
- When you are happy you attract people…
- Been happy… attracted people.. Now what?
- If you feel lonely alone, you will feel lonely in a relationship too.
- What does this even mean? Did they think so much before getting into a relationship?
- Your spouse could die. And you could not have a child. So, marriage does not guarantee that you would not die alone.
- Wow…what optimism!
I guess when people mean it is better to be single than married, they mean to say it is better than being in a bad relationship. I agree. If you see your friends desperate and unhappy in a bad relationship just for the fear of being alone, please go ahead and help them see reality.
But if they seem to be happy and doing well, yet searching then it is a normal thing to do! They do not need to justify anything! Isn’t it natural (for some people) to want love, romance, marriage. kids?
I am a feminist. I do not believe that marriage is the ultimate goal of life. It is a personal choice. It is okay to be single. It is also okay to wish for one. It does not mean that someone is weak. Single people do know relationships do not work sometimes and that marriage requires a lot of work.
Let us be a little kind to our divorced friends, and the ones who are older yet single. Let us not decide that it is better for them to be alone! Let us not tell them that marriage is this reward they will get once they have attained the above checklist! It is a well-meaning thing to say but it does not help them!
© 2017, Tanvi Sinha. All rights reserved.